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Short Jokes & Funny One Liners!
  • They lived happily until they married

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  • What did one ghost say to another ghost? “Do you believe in people?”

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  • They call our language the mother tongue because father seldom gets to talk

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  • When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

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  • Sanjay: I passed by your house yesterday.

  • Anil: Thanks, I really appreciate it.   

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  • The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

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  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

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  • By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

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  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

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  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

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  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

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  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There’s water in the carburetor”. I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”

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  • I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

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  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

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  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

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  • Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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  • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

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  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

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  • If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!"

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  • What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? About 45 pounds!!

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  • Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

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  • A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

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  • During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

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  • Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

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  • Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

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  • Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

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  • Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

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  • Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

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  • I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

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  • Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

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  • Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

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  • I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

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  • Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.

  •      If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.

  •     Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

  •     If some people insist on acting like an idiot, then I must insist on treating them like one.

  •     Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

  •     Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship

  •     It’s amazing how fast you can wake up when you realize you’ve overslept.

  •     LIKE IF you delete your status from Facebook when it doesn’t get any likes… If you don’t LIKE then we’ll know for sure you do this.

  •     That awkward moment when you’re telling your friend something hilarious and they’re just like “you already told me..”

  •     The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

  •     It’s just as well money can’t buy happiness. With prices what they are today, who could afford it anyway?

  •     That awkward moment someones comment on your Facebook status has more likes than the actual status.

  •     Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.

  •     Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

  •     Can’t believe that Facebook won’t let me set my relationship status to “in a relationship with myself”.

  •     I never worry about money. What’s the sense of worrying about something you don’t have?

  •     My wife would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

  •     That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook…

  •     I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  •     Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward. “John! I haven’t seen you in ten years! Wow, what have you been up to since that nap you took at 3 o’clock this afternoon?”

  •     Make yourself at home… clean my kitchen.

  •     Why do people feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he’s under a blanket”

  •     Don’t you think it’s time we stopped blaming our problems on people in our past and started blaming them on people in the future?

  •     Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

  •     I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

  •     If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

  •     Don’t kid yourself, we know you’re not “offline” on Facebook chat.

  •     When you hear your own voice recorded and think…”omg I sound horrible..”

  •     I’ve always wanted to get into a cab and yell “Follow that car!!!!”

  •     The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.

  •     Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

  •     It’s easy to spot people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

  •     The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone & know how little I answer their texts.

  •     I don’t trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

  •     In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

  •     Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

  •     Dear Millionaires, if you don’t have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you’re spending it wrong.

  •     Saying “Thats crazy” when you haven’t been listening to someone.

  •     All answers questioned here.

  •     I remember that one time, before Facebook, when I went outside and did stuff.

  •     Sometimes I think life is one big test and I’m in the wrong classroom.

  •     What’s the best gym to pretend I go to?

  •     I haven’t been ignoring you. I’ve been prioritizing you.

  •     When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

  •     I’ve got to stop believing everything I think.

  •     Don’t you hate the way the sun goes down just when you need it the most?

  •     Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.

  •     Life is mostly preparation followed by cancellation.

  •     I love mankind. But, sometimes, I can’t stand people.

  •     Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.

  •     Don’t believe everything you hear or anything you say.

  •     I always feel like I just passed my “Best If Used By” date.

  •     People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.

  •     You know you’re invisible when the automatic faucet rejects you.

  •     The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

  •     Back in my day, we had MySpace too. And it extended five feet in every direction.

  •     Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug. ~John Lithgow

  •     No one ever answers my questions, but they always question my answers.

  •     Be a Minimalist. It’s the least you can do.

  •     If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

  •     Just honked at a red light. That doesn’t work.

  •     A lot of people say I’m indifferent, but I don’t care.

  •     Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.

  •     My little sister’s password for the Disney website is “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto” I asked her why, she said “They told me to use 4 characters”

  •     I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

  •     Why does everyone say my name like it means “Shut Up”?

  •     Winning a losing battle.

  •     I tried to drown my sorrows, but they were strong swimmers.

  •     Before Google, there was memory.

  •     My doctor e-mailed me asking if I knew my “blod group”. I replied, “typo.”

  •     The future is much like the present, only longer.

  •     Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  •     Some open minds should be closed for repairs.

  •     They should make a medal for anyone who uses a whole tube of chapstick before losing it.

  •     Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

  •     I’m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.

  •     Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.

  •     That awkward moment when you “like” someones status on facebook on accident b/c of a ur touchscreen phone.

  •     To let a fool kiss you is stupid. To let a kiss fool you is worse.

  •     Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

  •     Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.

  •     “Dad I’m hungry.” “Nice to meet you hungry!” “Dad, I’m serious…” “I thought you were hungry?” “Are you kidding?!” “No, I’m Dad.”

  •     So many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply b/c the wrong person will often say all the right things.

  •     The amount of paper towel I use to squash and discard a bug is directly related to whether or not I know what kind of bug it is.

  •     LIKE if you can’t hear “I Will Remember You” without thinking of that ridiculous commercial.

  •     If I had a nickel for every time a girl said, “I’m Over him, i deleted his number & deleted him off Facebook” & then their back together the next day.

  •     If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.

  •     Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

  •     I remember that one time, before Facebook, when I went outside and did stuff.

  •     I need to either get a new air conditioner or move into my refrigerator.

  •     The easiest way to get me to stop correcting you is for you to just stop being wrong.

  •     I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.

  •     Broccoli: “I look like a tree.” Walnut: “I look like a brain.” Mushroom: “I look like an umbrella.” Banana: “Dude?! Change the topic!”

  •     We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.

  •     Facebook. The brain laxative.

  •     I’m always careful to get something every day from the four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeout.

  •     Cheese is like a villain from a horror movie: Whatever you do to it only makes it stronger. Shred it? Better. Slice it? Better. Melt it? Perfection.

  •     People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

  •     It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.

  •     A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up.

  •     I can resist everything except temptation.

  •     I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.

  •     Honking the whole time isn’t going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.

  •     I would emailed sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

  •     I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

  •     Where do I see myself in 5 years? I would hope in a hologram but it will probably still be in the mirror. Stupid scientists.

  •     I’m always careful to get something every day from the four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeout.

  •     Not feeling in touch with my emoticons.

  •     The key to knowing when to panic, is to start moments after someone says ‘OK, don’t panic’.

  •     A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  •     Bin Laden’s fate was SEAL’d! ツ

  •     I have high double standards.

  •     Sometimes you just have to logout…..

  •     They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

  •     Take my advice: I don’t use it anyway.

  •     I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won’t stop texting me.

  •     Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  •     I have an athlete’s ability trapped in a dumpster’s body.

  •     Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

  •     I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, “Sorry, what was your name again?”

  •     My wife and I are getting along great at the moment. She’s not home.

  •     He once ran a marathon backwards, just to see what second place looked like. He’s the most interesting man in the world!

  •     Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

  •     Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched “ninjas”. The computer told me “Ninjas cannot be found”. Well played, ninjas, well played.

  •     HUMBLE AND PROUD OF IT!

  •     Everyone has that one little secret, that no one, not even your best friend, knows about you.

  •     We are shaped by what we love, especially dessert.

  •     The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house. I got the outside.

  •     This is a day for firm decisions ! …Or is it ?

  •     The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

  •     Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one’s eating fish ever again.

  •     Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

  •     Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.

  •     Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Post a Comment Blogger

  1. Marvelous work pals, I love reading your articles.
    funny status for FB

    ReplyDelete
  2. nice shore jokes for facebook status...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. :P

    ReplyDelete
  4. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


    http://funnystatusforfacebook.blogspot.in/2011/01/short-jokes-funny-one-liners.html

    lolzzz

    ReplyDelete

 
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